Smile4me-4ever...

MY LIFE.....

I am going to start at the beginning. I was born to the most wonderful parents. Tom Stockon and Donna Beaudrie. They met in Trenton, Mi. Both went to Trenton High School. My father was older then my Mom so they didn't meet in school. However, my Mom's best friend Clara lived next door to my Dad. My father was still living at home when my Mom was over to her friends house one day. He came out and seen them and asked them if they wanted lunch. I believe it was a bolgna sandwich they shared that day. When my parents talked about when they met, the first thing my Dad would say was "your Mom had the best legs I have ever seen" That day was a start of a new life for them both. I am not sure how long they dated before I came along, but I do know they married on April 11th, 1970. I was born, August 10th, 1970. So, if you do the math, like I did I realized my parents had premarital sex LOL Oh boy was that a discovery for me. *haha* I remember asking my parents about that and got more information then I wanted. I found out that I was conceived in the back seat of my father's car under the I-75 overpass. Memories!! LOL!

The day my Mom went into labor, my father paced the floors of the hospital. I was suppose to be a boy. I was going to be named after my Dad. Tommy was what they were going to call me. As my father waited in the waiting room for news of my birth, the story was told to me as... there were many birth's that day. Blue blanket after blue blanket entering the father's waiting rooms. My father stood up anxiously awaiting his baby boy. After several let downs, the nurse open up the door with a baby in a pink blanket. My Dad's name was called and he got up to view his precious baby girl. I know he wasn't disappointed but all along he expected and wanted a boy. However, he didn't get what he wanted. My father loved me with all his heart. So, I guess after realizing Tommy wasn't going to do for there baby girl. I was named Tammy Marie Stockon.

My father was the supporter of our family. He had worked for several different people in the service station business. My Dad eventually opened up his very first 'gas station/service station' in 1970, I believe. He named it "Stockon Amoco" His life was devoted to his business and to his family. My Dad worked many long hours. My Mom being the homemaker, raising me and eventually my Sister., Tina. She was born February 14th, 1973. She was a blessing to our family and it took me years to realize how much I loved her. "haha" Sibling rivalry I guess you could say. I remember spending alot of time with my Dad going to work with him and spending time doing Daddy things together. Even though my Dad worked long hours, he always made time for my sister and me. My Mom was with us, each and every day. She's a great Mom. I have always been very close to her, I guess that started way back many years ago. My Mom raised Tina and I to be individuals. She had rules and guidelines of what she expected, but the most important thing was she always listened to our view points. She never tried to 'control' who we were, just taught us right from wrong. That was one thing I love most about my parents. To many times we as parents try to make our children who we want them to be, my parents just wanted my sister and I to be 'good people'. I think they were very successful! My parents weren't the type to 'critic' what we did, but 'guide' our mistakes into how we could of prevented them by making better 'choices'. Communication was very good in our home. My parents guided us better then any parents I have ever seen and even to this day, I feel if more people had the type of parents I have, the world would be a much better place. I had a great up bringing. We were far from 'rich' financially, but we weren't poor either. We were 'middle class'. My friends always thought because my Dad owned his own business, we had alot of money. It made me realize too that just because you own your own business doesn't mean your rich, it takes alot of money to keep a business running. Alot of stress comes from it too. I guess having my father own his own business taught me alot. Taught me both sides, what an employer goes through and what it means to be an employee. When I was old enough, I was going to work at my father's business and I couldn't wait.

I remember alot of memories growing up. Mostly just being a kid and having fun! Having many talks with Mom about friend issues and school issues, etc. My Mom was always there when I needed her. I can't remember a time when I needed her that she wasn't right there to lend a helping hand or a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. She's a special lady and I don't think I would be who I am today without her love and support. My Mom didn't always take my side. She would listen to what I had to say, and she would tell me where she thought I may of went wrong and how maybe a little more understanding on my part could of made this situation different. She would tell me what she thought the other person may of been feeling etc. She taught me that no situation is ever one sided. She taught me how important it was to 'put the other person's shoe on'. WoW, you know sometimes the other person's shoes aren't so good. Makes you realize alot about yourself and others, just by putting yourself in there 'shoes'. I live my life like that still to this day.

Ahhh, boys!! I felt I was old enough to start dating. My Mom used to tease me all the time about not dating until I was 16yrs old. My Mom got married at 19, already pregnant with me and so I think in her mind she was worried that I would 'meet a guy, get pregnant, get married' Not that she regretted her life, but I am sure if she would have to do it all again, she may of been a bit older. Anyways, I talked with my Mom about boys. I was going into high school. All these years, I really never had a boyfriend. Mom said 'we'll see'. So, I get into high school and mee this boy. Bill was his name, oh he was just so cute. He was in 11th grade :) I sat behind him in class and just thought he was so cute the first day I seen him. Just a few days later, he asked me out. I told Mom and she wanted to meet him. I was so excited to bring him home and have him meet my Mom and Dad. I wanted my Mom to see how cute he was and share with me what she thought. So, my Mom and Dad liked him. My Dad used to tease me, your first boy and he's gotta be a jew. My Dad was just teasing. He really liked Bill, alot! They used to sit and watch football together. Bill was over everyday. I started to think that maybe he liked my Dad more then he liked me. My Dad was always a very big man, yet none of my boyfriends were ever scared of him. My Mom, they feared the most. My Dad would talk your head off, so it always made the boys feel like he liked them. My Mom she just sat and 'observed'. They found that intimidating *haha* I dated Bill for 6-8 months. I lost my virginity to him. I used protection each and everytime. I do not regret it, it wasn't a bad memory like some girls have, Bill made it okay and it was a wonderful experience. If I had to do it over again, I know I would of waited longer til I was older but I can't change what happened. I wish I could of changed my heart getting broke but we still remained friends after it and things were good. I did date a couple more people through those years and then I met Bill's friend Jeff. I was in the 11th grade and he had graduated already. He graduated in 1986. I dated Jeff from June 1986 - June 1990, then we got married. Jeff and I had a rocky relationship, we seen eachother every day. We would fight alot and so Mom decided that Tues and Thurs we couldn't see one another. So those became the nights I hung out with friends. Omg, I had so much fun on those nights. We would go out looking for guys LOL Teenage girls, what else do you do??? I got myself into some trouble, not bad but just goofy girl kind trouble. We would go out 'cruisin around'. One night I got really lost, like ended up way far away from my house and in the heart of bad areas. I had no idea how to get back home. I called Jeff and he wouldn't help me. I should of known then he was wrong for me, but "I was in love'' Oh palease!! Makes me sick now to even think about what I felt then being love. Anyways, eventually Jeff and I got married. I had worked for my Dad since I was 14 years old. It was the only job I ever had, one day I was too going to have my own 'station'. Dad's dream was to have Me and Tina have our own business. That was what we were going to do. We were going to run our own business's. Was going to be great! We knew so much about my Dad's business. He was so proud of us that we worked with him and we shared his love for the business. I loved it, I couldn't wait to have my own place. Jeff worked for Dad on and off and he too was excited to be able to eventually have our own.

Well, Jeff and I got married and a year later, had our first and only child. Jason, my precious angel. Jeff and I went through alot when Jason was born. My pregnancy was very tough on me. I have always been overweight and it seems dr's blame your weight for all your troubles. I had severe swelling during my pregnancy. The Dr just said it's because your overweight. Okay, well he's the dr. Eventually, he put me on bed rest. Didn't help, finally I got angry and said many people in this world carry children being over weight and there has to be something wrong that this is happening. My check ups were good but this swelling became horrible. Eventually he did a 24 hour urine on me and realized I had 'toximia'. I was sent right to Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit. It's a specialist hospital for problem pregnancy's. I was scared to death. I hadn't gone to that hospital at all and it was in Detroit and I was afraid to be alone that far away from home. That night they tested me and realized that I needed to have this baby. They induced me and eventually things didnt look so bright. My Mom and Dad and Jeff were there, then his Mother came. The night turned into the a nightmare. I had very high blood pressure. Jeff's Mom came in and her being an OB nurse at Oakwood Hosp, she felt she could start running reports on the machine. Omg, I was scared to death. I had several different monitors on and when she started poking around, my blood pressure monitor alarm went off. The nurse came in and asked her to leave. She then asked me who she was and why my blood pressure went up so high. I had a great relationship with Jeff's Mom, so it wasn't her, it was what she was doing. After explaining to the nurse the nurse told her she couldn't come back in. That started a huge problem. Eventually she started so many problems that the nurses told her she had to leave the hospital. She went home and called all the family and told them we had her kicked out. Anyways, eventually my blood pressure got so high they thought they needed to take me C-section. Jason was fine at this time, his blood pressure etc was fine. They were amazed how strong he was and how well he was handling my problems. They put in an internal blood pressure monitor inside my vein in my neck. Getting ready to take me C-section they determined that my blood clotting factor was 0, so C-section was now not an option. I would of bleed to death, had they cut me open. So I had to deliver Jason. Hard as it was, I made it out fine and didn't realize how serious the situation was for us both until after I delivered him and the nurses told me how lucky I was to be alive. During my labor and delivery, my Dad and Mom and Jeff were all in my room. I can tell you it was wonderful having my parents being a part of that, they had them step out to check me one last time and then I was ready. Jeff made it in just as I delieved Jason. I was so swollen, my eyes completely shut when Jason was delivered. I can tell you, I missed out on that part of birth. I could barely see my precious baby boy. I didn't get a good look at him until the next day. I wanted to name my baby if it was a boy Andrew, and that night I called him Andy. Mom told everyone that was his name and then next day when I seen him, he was so not an Andy. So I named him Jason Thomas. Thomas was after my Dad. Oh what a wonderful gift he was, just the miracle my life needed.

After I came home from the hospital, life wasn't the same for me. Things seemed to change in a bad way. Jeff's family disowned us for almost a year because of the lies his Mom told. That took a toll on Jeff and I's relationship. He became a cold hearted person. Everything about life started to change. I started feeling guilty for getting pregnant. Felt that if I hadn't his family wouldn't have treated him the way they did. I then realized I wouldn't have changed a thing. If his family could so easily walk away from him because of what took place at the hospital they weren't the kind of people I thought they were and didn't deserve to be a part of my son's life. After a year things got worked out with his family, but life for me didn't get better. They actually got worse. I felt like a single Mom raising a child. Jeff wasn't a huge part of Jason's life. I started to lose myself. I used to be a happy go lucky kinda girl. Very confident in who I was and where I was going. Jeff and I's problems got worse and he cut me down all the time. My weight wasn't an issue for him for years and then all the sudden it was a hurtful way for him to make me cry. I was called a fat ass all the time. I was to have dinner ready when he got home from work, house had to be cleaned. I was told I couldn't go here or go there, my family was something I started to share by myself. Phone calls to friends ended when he came home from work, he ripped the phone off the wall several times. I became a prisoner in my own home. I discussed my problems with his Dad's wife, hours on the phone looking for help. I didn't tell my parents because they would of taken on him all alone. I wanted things to change but I didn't want my marriage to end. That would of been a failure on my part. I was depressed all the time. I no longer was Tammy, I was Jason's mother and Jeff's wife. Friends I had were kept secret. When it was about time for him to come home, my stomach would ache and I would fear the mood he would be in today. This went on for many years. Until one day, I got a computer. I had a way of interacting with the outside world behind a computer screen. I didn't have to be fat, I didn't have to be sad, I could be whatever I needed to be to put a smile on my face and get through another day. Jeff was against the computer. He hated it. I think mostly because he seen to many changes in me. I started to stand up to him and voice my opinions. I had met several people on line that I enjoyed and they enjoyed me. I didn't describe myself the way I really looked but who I was inside was really my beliefs and my hopes and dreams. When we got the computer, he was aware Tina chatted on hers, so he agreed to let me chat. So long as I wasn't honest with who I was, because then nothing could come of it. How could anyone really meet someone who lied about who they were, you just didn't do that. Well one day I met a guy from Kentucky. David was his name. He was sweet and caring but mostly he was the most honest person I have ever spoken to in my life. He made me feel alive. I knew I was lying to him but nothing was to ever come of it. I could never meet him, I wasn't this dream girl he thought I was, so all was fine. No, it wasn't fine. He awake a part of me that longed to be loved. A part of me that longed to have what he was offering me. His heart, his soul, his life. We didn't just talk on the computer, we talked on the phone. He made me think, he asked questions about me that noone had ever asked before. Deep conversations we had. Yes, many things I lied about. So many things were truthful. Through David, I found a part of me still alive and longing to be true to myself. I tried so many times to get the nerve up to tell him who I was for real. I didn't because I knew I would lose him. I needed to be able to talk to him, to have something to look forward to. I looked forward to getting up in the morning and he was all I thought about each and every day. I became a better Mom because I was happy, truly happy. I smiled each and every day. No more did I let Jeff's hateful things affect me. I would clean the house, singing and dancing around. He made me realize if I didn't do what was best for me then I was making my own destiny bad. One day, he said he was coming to see me. I freaked, I thought Oh God what am I going to do? I had a couple weeks to figure it out. Just before then Jeff came to me with yet another threat. "Lose weight, quit smoking and get a job or I am leaving you" I said Go Ahead and go!! He packed his things and left. I didn't shed a tear, finally I was safe. No more worries of him coming home to be mean to me. NO more days of him taking his frustrations out on me. A few days later, Jason was on the porch with his friend and he said 'My Dad don't live here anymore' and she said are you sad? He said 'No, my Mom smiles now' That was a huge day for me. The first real day that I realized he and I were going to be okay. Then, I get a call and David is here in Michigan. I cried so hard, I panicked. I needed my sister and she wasn't home. She was just getting back from a trip with her husband. They came over and I had him watch Jason while Tina and I went looking for David. We found him, and sat in the parking lot for along time trying to get up the nerve to go see him. Let him see who he had been talking to on the computer. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but he deserved the truth. He deserved the truth along time before that. He didn't deserve to be lied to and I broke his heart. I seen him and he was the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on. He wasn't angry or at least he didn't show his anger. He was disappointed, I could see that in his eyes and it broke my heart. I put my pain from my life into his life and it wasn't fair. He did nothing but care for me. He believed me and I just ripped his heart into pieces. He loved me, but couldn't get past the lies I told. When I explained to him why, I think part of him understood but part of him was to hurt to give me a chance. He kept asking me to look into his eyes. I wanted him to see how much I loved him, but there was no way he could of ever seen that. I couldn't look at him long enough because all I could see was the hurt and disappointment in his eyes. There was so many things I wanted to say to him and so many things I needed him to know but just couldn't get the words out. I knew what I had done to him and it was just so hard. Today til this day, I still have the pain in my heart for what I have done to him. He is a wonderful man who deserved honestly. How can you say you truly love someone, when you so easily lied to them? I can say I lied to him because I needed him, but is that love? No that's selfishness and cruel. If I had to do it all over again, I would of told him way back in the beginning. Maybe then I would at least have a friend to talk to, I think him and I could of been good friends. I know now that our lives were to different to be anything more, but my lies destroyed a friendship. I know in my heart he don't hate me. I hope that he learned somethings from me. I think I helped him to be a better person in many ways as well, but if I could ever speak to him just one more time. There are so many things I would like to say, mostly Thank you!! He gave me life. I made a promise to him that day, to follow my heart and do what was right for me, not to fall back into this relationship with Jeff but to start my own life and do what was best for me and for my son. I kept promise. He has been this angel I carry with my each and everyday. The angel to keep me honest and true to myself and to the ones I say I love. I judge my life through his eyes, or through the eyes I remember. I do good things for others, I am not selfish in my thoughts and feelings. I am true to those I love and I surround myself with good things and good people. I think if he could see me know, he would be very proud of who I have become. He will always be with me and I think about him all the time. He helps me make the right decisions and guides me to do the things that make me afraid. I know had I not met him that special day, my life would be horrible. I would have gone back to Jeff and probably be just as miserable as I used to be. David taught me what love is suppose to feel like and what it truly means to love someone. I no longer settle, I search for what's right. I found love, true love. I found someone to love me, the way David loved the image I allowed him to fall in love with. I heard from David a few times after that online, I always just really wanted to know how he really felt about me, even if he hated me. I wanted to know but David would never tell me that, just not the kind of person he was. I have thought many times about looking him up, but the fear stops me. I don't want to bring up bad memories, I don't want to make him have to explain who I am to someone in his life. I just want to know how his life panned out and to tell him Thank You for giving me life and let him know how much he has influenced my life. I know he would be happy to know I finally found true happiness. My love for him today is what keeps me away from him, I know I hurt him and humiliated him enough. Sometimes I wonder if he ever thinks of me and hope he can still find a 'Smile4me' I always made him promise to smile for me! I will forever have a place in my heart for him and I will never stop loving him.

After Jeff and I's divorce, I moved to Flat Rock, Mi on my own. Just me and Jason! He now was the man of the house and I think he loved it. Jeff and I have had years of problems. Him still wanting to control a part of my life, even though he had no part in it other then being Jason's father. Which I questioned his ability of that. Now he seems to have gotten better, but for a very long time I think he was more concerned with my doings then his own sons. Can you even believe he had people watching me, at one point, he claimed I was having an affair with a man in a white van and he was a handicapped man. Hello, that was my father, your ex father in law. That was just one of the things I had to endure. I had to explain to my 9yr old son what his dad meant by "Mom's having sex with men on the internet'' Nice thing to tell your child. Anyways, after all was said and done, I decided to start dating.

I dated several men, noone seemed fit my life. None seemed to make me feel 'special'. Thought maybe I wasn't ready to put my heart out there. I had standards I now lived by. I was doing things my way! I knew what it took to make me smile and that special someone had to be able to make me smile, but most importantly, my smile needed to be important to him. I decided that I was just going to be the Mom Jason needed and to hell with the rest of it. If I meet somoene yipee if not I am happy making life for myself. I was working and meeting people daily and if it happens it happens. So, one day I got asked out by a guy who used to come into the business. I had seen and talked to him several times. He was very good looking and just what I was looking for physically LOL He had real dark hair and beautiful eyes. Had a great laugh and very outspoke and funny. He had a job LOL He had a place to live. Reason I say this is I met a guy 29 yrs old, didnt have a license and lived with Mom n Dad. I wasn't looking to be someones sugar mama so even as nice as he was, he wasn't for me. So, Brian asked me out. I laughed my ass off. What is he doing asking me out was my first thought, he said why wouldn't I ask you out, your beautiful and you have a wonderful smile. So okay, we started dating. I invited him over to my house to meet Jason. Mistake #1!! I thought no problem introducing him to my son. What is wrong with that, he needs to see my baggage and Jason needs to see that I am dating and have a say in it. So Brian came over and we watched a couple kid friendly movies, he popped home made popcorn with Jason. I smiled so big, Jason loved him right away. He payed attention to him, the played together and I was thinking, WoW how nice is this. We dated for about 2 weeks. I ran up huge phone bills with him because he was apparently in a 'toll' zone on my phone. Didn't realize that til it was over. We spent alot of time together, took rides out in the country, just laughing and talking. He really was a great person to talk to, and that was something very important to me. Then I started noticing he was a bit to childish in some ways, but in other ways he was a big dominating, in 'private' ways. Yes, I slept with him and it was good but a bit rougher then I like things. I had been with a man for years who just didn't give me the big "O" Brian didn't either but he was aggressive and part of me liked that but part of me was a bit intimidated by his dominance. Anyways, one day we took Jason over to the park and had great fun, well Jason did. I felt like I took 2 kids to the park that day, then we went for icecream and he was jumping up and down in line. Mommy can I have an icecream too. It hit me very strange and I felt something very wrong. Later as we ate our icecream, he had ice cream and sprinkles all in his gotee. I was very embarrassed. What was I thinking and when I said to him, you have ice cream in your gotee and went to wipe it out. He changed and got a bit angry that I was doing that, and I said okay, well I am ready to go home. He took me home and I explained to him then that I needed to think about some things and I would call him. I called him a day later and explained to him that I just didn't feel we were right for eachother and that I was no longer comfortable seeing him. I also thought he was on drugs and yes he was, he did coke. Not the man for me and my child!!!! I did the right thing, telling the reason's why. Don't people really wanna know what breaks up a relationship? Apparently not, he would of rather me just not called him again. Jason was pissed at me! I took away his friend. Now I had to explain to him that Mom did what was right for her and for him. That sometimes people aren't always what they seem to be and you have to protect yourself. He eventually got over it and was fine. So I decided no more of that for me. I was a mother and that makes me very happy. Then one day, my life changed for the good!!! :)

I decided to log on to Yahoo! Feelin the need to do a lil chattin. After all the a/s/l messages, I got frustrated. Can you not just have a normal conversation with someone these days? Does it always have to come down to private chats? I was about to exit out and my phone rang. So I answered it and talked for a few, I got back to the computer and I had a message from this guy. Hi, How are you?? I am fine, thank you. How are you? Awhile later, after a real conversation. I said to the guy who typed very slowly, you wanna talk on the phone? He said yes and gave me his number. So I called him, didn't want him to have my number. I called him on a phone card to protect my number. We talked for a couple hours. I felt like I knew him so well. He was open and honest. All of what he said wasn't good. He had a pretty messed up past. He wasn't looking for a relationship and neither was I, but he was nice to talk to. He had kids and was married. So I figured it was about sex, not a mention of it. We talked about life, past and present, likes dislikes, hopes and dreams. One phone call led to another and we really hit it off. One day I got a message from his wife asking if I wanted to see a picture of him. I said of course. So she sent me a picture of his private area. I was a bit taken back by that, he had explained to me that there marriage was over and it was only a matter of time before they divorced. Yeah, I have heard that before but whatever, he just someone nice to talk to, why did I care if he divorced or not! Well after a couple weeks of talking on the phone, him calling me and me him, I did start to care. We became friends and set a day to get together and go fishing. His wife encouraged him to come see me. She has a boyfriend and was fine with him coming to see me. He lived in Lansing, Mi like an hour and half away from me. So we set a date, he was late because his wife had to give him a hair cut before he came. OMG, just typing this makes me laugh my ass off, what was I thinking??? I wasn't I found a friend, maybe I can help him get through these bad times he's ganna face, I been through a divorce and would of loved to have a friend to go through it with me. He came down for the night and we didn't go no place other then to get a movie and some food. We sat on the couch and talked forever, so long it was to late do anything but rent a movie. Before he came, we both realized we had stronger feelings then just friendship but wasn't sure why or how it became so strong. We were both worried that in person maybe we wouldn't be so talkative, etc. Never was sex mentioned but our feelings were definetly there for both of us to see. It scared the hell out of both of us, because I'd never felt this way before with a man. I felt safe with him, like I could tell him anything, good or bad. He told me alot of bad things that most people don't tell someone and his honesty was apparent. There was just something about him, I guess I can say after spending the night with him, I felt very deeply for him. He came for that visit and then back a weekend later to spend the whole weekend together. The day he had to leave after our weekend, we both cried and we told one another we were in love with eachother. Seems crazy, unreal, words just couldnt describe how I was feeling. I didn't want him to leave, ever! He didn't wanna go home. When he got home, his wife asked how it went and he said great, shes a very nice girl. He looked at him and said, you have feelings for her dont you? He said yes, I do! She hit him! Punched him right in the face and things for him got really bad. It was okay for her to have a boyfriend. Duane knew about him and was totally okay with him. He knew his marriage was over and she wanted to be with him. So life got really bad for him and within a few days, he packed his things and moved in with me. Then my troubles started with my family and Jason. I was ready for them. I knew what I felt and it couldn't be wrong. I had to go through this with him and I had never been happier with someone in my life. The closest I have ever been was with David, and we all know that wasn't based on totally me. I could see just looking at Duane how much he cared about me and my son. He was worth fighting for and if my parents made me chose. I was confident I would make the right decision by chosing Duane :) I never fought my parents on much because most of the time, they were right and I was going to make a mistake. This one was different. I knew in my heart Duane was a good person. However, my parents didn't see Duane the way I did. They didn't have these heart to heart talks with him. He didn't look at them the same way he looked at me. So what my parents seen was there grandson living with a man they didn't know. There daughter bringing home a married man, with 3 kids, a man who used to be an alcoholic and a man who had tattoos, who cremated bodies for a living!! LOL Yes, I know what was I thinking??? I wasn't thinking, I was feeling and I trusted my feelings, and I ran with them. After alot of problems, with family and kids we managed to work things through and we are very happy. I wouldn't change a thing, it made us stronger and we managed to get this far and our love grew deeper and deeper every day. Our kids hated on another, my parents didn't totally trust Duane, my Sister didn't want to have him around. She lost me when he came around. My sister and I practically lived together after my divorce. She was having her own problems but mostly she was supporting me. We had so much fun together, she slept at my house every weekend. Her husband didn't care, he worked so much it didn't matter where she slept. We were having fun and her husbad adored me. We were great friends. In fact, he bought me my first sex toy after my divorce. I gave myself my first big "o" guess if a man can't they build toys that can!! LOL! Never would I have bought one for myself. It was a joke from him but I thank him now !!! LOL! And My Sissy cuz I am sure it was her idea! LOL! My weekends with my Sister were the best times I think I have ever had and I do miss the hell out of them now. So with all that said, my life changed very drastically and I didn't see it coming. I am just glad I didn't exit yahoo that day, who knows where my life would be now.

Duane and I have always been close. My parents and him were not always that way. I just wanted more then anything for Duane to see my parents for the good people they really are and I wanted my family to see what a wonderful man Duane really is. I finally got them to start to see it. Duane and my Mom had a huge talk one day that led them open up and trust in one another. Duane will always remember that day, the day he finally seen my Mom as someone very special. He was always more intimidated by my dad. The first man I have ever been with that was intimidated by him rather then my Mom. After a couple years of being together, Dad and Duane still didn't get there real closeness. My Mom, Tina and myself decided to have a 'girls' weekend. We took off and Duane and the kids stayed with my Dad. He was ill and needed someone around in case something happened. That was the weekend my Dad and Duane found eachother. The weekend that changed all our lives forever. My Dad learned so much about Duane and Duane about him. They earned a respect for eachother and honestly since that weekend. I think my Dad looked at Duane like a real son and Duane looked at my Dad as a real father. Something Duane didn't have all his life. He found in my Dad!!! Okay, I am crying! It meant the world to me that both men I loved, now loved eachother. My Dad and Duane just got closer since that weekend. Before my Dad passed away, they had a closeness that noone ever thought possible. Dad leaned on Duane for help before some of us. He made Duane promise to take care of me and all of the family. Something Duane took very serious. When it was said my Dad didn't think he was going to leave us soon but was just making sure Duane knew that he trusted him with his family because he knew he would pass before my Mom. Took them long enough, but they finally had a relationship. A relationship like no other. He shared with Duane that he never shared with Jeff. I believe it's because of the way he loves. He loves like my Dad loves. He protects like my Dad protects. I think my Dad seen alot of himself in Duane and vice versa. Duane and Dad didn't get to share all the memories they wanted to because of my Dad's health and the timeline that Duane entered his life, however the closeness they shared heart to heart will never be taken from either. Since my Dad passed Duane still misses him. Sometimes I think more then me in some senses. I just am so happy, they found one another and my Dad died knowing how much Duane loves me and how well he will take care of his little girl.

My Life is wonderful. Not every day is perfect, but everyday I know I am loved and appreciated. I work very hard for my family. Duane is unable to work, for the past few years. He has what they call 'RSD' Reflective Sympathetic Dystrophy. It's a nerve issue that has attacked his right hand. He gets very bad pain in his hand, his hand swells and he has limited movement in it and will eventually lose all use of it. I always look at it as his hand is dying. So I am the sole supporter of our family. It's hard and sometimes overwhelming but it's what you do for the ones you love. I didn't ask to be dealt this hand but it is what has happened. I was raised to see the positive in life and not focus on the negative. I was a stay at home Mom for many years, so Duane is my stay at home husband. He keeps the house up as best he can. Well, most of the time. I feel for him, because he does have alot of limitations. His pain has effected his whole body. When his hand hurts, he is miserable, 37 yrs old and not able to work and support your family takes a toll on his head. He gets sick alot from the pain and it has effected his stomach. There is no medicine to treat the pain. He was on Lyrica for awhile but that started to effect I think it was his liver or kidney something. Other then that, nothing takes the nerve pain away. He just has to deal with it. Not easy on him or the rest of us. Sometimes the pain takes him away from me. He is lost in his pain and nothing but time heals it. When he don't smile, I don't smile, just the way it goes. Wish there was something that can be done, but it's very rare and not alot known about it. So hopefully one day we will have something to fix it. He has went through several nerve blocks, none of them worked at all. So that was our only option for him. He's a wonderful man who has endured way more pain in his life then anyone deserves. His pain started very young when he was taken away from his family. He was seperated from his real brother and hasn't seen him since. He was abused by many people in his life. Taken away from the only family he really ever loved and that was his grandparents, because his mom's rights were taken away. I hope his heart will eventually heal all of them wounds and I will be there always to show him what a wonderful life you can have with people who love you. I cannot imagine my life without him. He pisses me off sometimes but who doesn't? I wouldn't trade him in on anyone!!! I have never been loved by anyone this way other then my parents. Duane loves me unconditionally, he wants me to be happy and the most important thing to him, is my SMILE! I have never had a man love me the way he loves me, emotionally and physically. YES!!! He always gives me my big "0"!! Each and every time. If I don't he don't!! LOL! I can promise you, there's not to many men out there like that! I am a very lucky woman in many ways. Sometimes I even need to remind myself. We have his son Chris and my son Jason and our lives are wonderful. Jason has a brother and Chris has found a friend. So there's my life, finally I have found my place in this world and true happiness!!