Smile4me-4ever...

You can click on the title or you can scroll down the page to view my funnies!!

**Warning: Some of these jokes are on the adult side, so if your not an adult, I advise you to please not continue. They are not extreme but I would like you to take the content into consideration when you view them. Thanks**

Posters

Drunk Man     Bathroom Prank     Cuckoo Clock

Dusty Underwear     Suck it in!     Chicken and Egg

Breast or Bottle?     Nightstand Photo     Manly Men don't wax!!

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... 

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight , "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,

in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

So, I was safe right?

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,

I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said,

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,

then said "oh shit!"

"Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,

cuckooed another three times, giggled,

cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Ooops! LMAO - Just when you thought you were safe *Ha Ha*

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny,

said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing

your clothes in 'slim fast'. Maybe it would take

a few inches off your butt!"

~~~~~~~~~~

His wife, who was not amused decided that she

could not let this comment go unrewarded.

~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning the husband took out a pair of underwear.

"What is this shit" he said to himself as a little cloud

of dust appeared when he shook them out.

~~~~~~~~~~

"April!" He hollered into the bathroom.

"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She then replied with a snicker,

"That's not talcum powder dear, that would be 'Miracle Grow'

Oh boy am I the only one who thinks, damn us women really come up with some good paybacks. Men, think before you say your stupid shit and you may not have to worry about this kind of payback, as often. *Ha Ha* That was pretty funny. I read it to Duane and he laughed and said 'He hasn't learned.'

Enough said!!! LOL

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,

with a very satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit disgusted,

grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,

'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!'

Suck it in!!

What happens to me who are to "Manly'' to get waxed.!!

 LOL

Don't try this at home!! *Ha Ha*

The Lonely Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which,

By mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

'Hello?' She cried, but no answer.

'Is there anyone here?' She cried a little louder,

But still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared.

So she yelled at the top of her voice,

'HELLO,

IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'

Then she heard a faint voice

From far, far away.... 

The Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love,

he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

Breast or Bottle Fed

After Chelsea returned from a date,

Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time

and thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex, did you'?

Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.' 

A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his grandmother

asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,

he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally

sent the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried but then remembers how bad

his grandmother's eyesight is, & hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.

It says:"Thank you for the picture.

Change your hairstyle. . it makes your nose look too short."

Love, Grandma

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,

when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom,

cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and

announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely

(she is after all, over 80 years of age),

but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle

on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below.

About 3 AM one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon #658

 responded to a call that there was a car off the shoulder

of the road outside of Great Falls, Montana.

He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running.

Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on,

the trooper walked to the driver's door to find

an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty

vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window.

Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror,

and the state trooper standing next to his car, t

he man panicked.

He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas.

The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH,

but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor,

began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car.

The driver was totally freaked,

thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him.

This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled,

"PULL OVER!"

The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested

and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper

in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour. 

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat

because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said

"Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place

I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life

and give up men and tequila"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said "Never Mind, I found one!!"

F.B.I. Assassin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL: Don't mess with women.

Find The Man- He's in there!!

This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!! 

An Alberta couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Calgary and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email to a wrong person!!

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: January 17, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby

so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's

family expanded, so would his  paycheck. 

After 6 children, this started to get expensive

and the congregation decided to hold another meeting

to discuss the preacher's salary.  

There was much yelling and bickering about how much

the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.  

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. 

"Children are a gift from God," he said.   
  
Silence fell on the congregation.  In the back pew, a little old lady stood up

and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God,

but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." 
  
And the congregation said, "Amen."

Okay this cracked my shit up! Maybe the mood I'm in

but I found it very funny! I hope you enjoy it!

The Recipe

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy

when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

      'Damn Bob, you're hung!' Jim exclaims.

      'I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it.'

      'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

      'Well, every day for the past two years

I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. 

I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! 

You should try it.'

      Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

      A few months later the two are in the same locker room

and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

      Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller!      

 I lost two inches already!'

      'Did you do everything I told you?  An hour each day with butter?'

      'Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco.'

      Wait for it ........... 

      Wait ..............

      'Crisco!!?' Bob exclaimed.  'damn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!'


      MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!! 

Black Panties

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,

and at the appropriate point in the process,

the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured

he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,

he made it plainly obvious to his wife,

what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed :

P... E... N... I... S.

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

Customer to Hewlett Packard.  I have a problem with my laser cartridge. It stopped working.  And the mouse is really stuck ! 
Tech support.  Mouse ?  How do you mean ?
Customer.  Hang on, I will send you a picture......... 

True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the ER to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending,

the patient's 'girl friend' found the ring

in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him,

she used  petroleum jelly to slip the ring

on his penis while he was asleep. 

 Now you decide what's worse: 

 1) Having your girl friend find out you're married. 

 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your  penis. 

 3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

 

---

A little old lady well into her eighties slowly enters the front door of  a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, her  legs shaking she wobbles across the store to the counter.Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering,  she  asks the sales clerk:

"Dddooo youuuu hhhave  dddddiilllldoeesss? The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we have dildos.  Actually we carry many different models"

The old woman then  asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy a  pppinkk onnee, tttenn  inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss  ththiickk...aaand rrunns by  bbaatteries? The clerk responds, "Yes we  do."

She asks: "Ddooo yyooouu kknnooww howw tttooo  ttturrrnnn ttthe ssun oooff aa bbitch  offffff?"

Best DUI Ever 

http://www.smile4me-4ever.com/Best_DUI_Ever.wm

a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.

Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month

when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland,

and helped himself to a bag of chips.

Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips

because! they think it's so funny. 

Are you Polish?

The guy (clearly offended) says,

"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you Something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

 Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Redheads and Blondes

 
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street

and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend

buying her flowers.

 The Redhead sighs and says:

'Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says:

'You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?'

The redhead replies:

'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers,

and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back

with my legs in the air.'

The blonde says: .'Don't you have a vase?

Another example why woman are smarter then men - Enjoy! :-)

Eleven people were hanging on to a rope under a Helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all.

They decided 1 had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall.

The weren't able to name that person until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said, she would volentarily let go of the rope.

She said, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for a her husband,

kids or men in general.

She was used to making the sacrifices and getting little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech.

All the men started clapping.

I was shopping at the grocery store where I selected

A half a gallon of milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of lettuce,

A 2lb can of coffee,

and

1lb package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the belt to check out,

a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk stated,

"You must be single"

I was a bit startled by his proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition,

since I was indeed single.

I looked at the items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual

that could of tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiousity getting the better of me, I said:

"Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The Drunk replied, "Because you're ugly."

Who Am I??

Pretty Cool Packaging

RUB MY NIPPLES 

It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal

I'll tell ya, this is some funny shit right here!

An operations manager was late for a meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running late. As he was leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident and went on to provide "play by play" of the incident.
After telling us the story, he promised to send us a copy of the voice
mail and here it is. This is the actual voice mail message. It was passed along and forwarded so many times within Jack in the Box, it crashed their voice mail server.

(you just have to hear this... it's a riot!)

http://www.thenerdgroup.com/funnyvoicemail.wav 

Take the Quarter Back Quiz

( I scored only 5 out of 20, guess I sucked ass on that one LOL )

http://mentalfloss.com/quiz/quiz.php?q=82

Leave it to a child to make us laugh

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station

when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon

with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose

tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck,"

the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices

the girl has tied the wagon to her

dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says,

"I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,

but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too,

I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully,

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Omg! Who comes up with these things? LOL

One day, while walking to the store,

 I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. 

I thought this was a bit unusual,

but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home

with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me

and I went inside to talk to the Manager.'

Do you know there are six old ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' he said.

'They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale.'

This is the what 1/2 HP (1/2 horse power) really means!!

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled...

"You Can be the Man of Your House". 

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and

my word is the 'Law'."

"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,

you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have

the kid of sex that I want.

 Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied,

"The freaking funeral director would be my first guess!!!"

BEFORE MARRIAGE.......

He: Yes!  At last!  It was such a hard wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?

Now  for  AFTER (a few years of ) MARRIAGE  ... 
  
Read from bottom to top !!

This morning on the way to work I rear ended a car at a light, while not really paying attention.
The driver got out... he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy"...
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
That's when the fight started 

Some men will feel the pain and totally understand

 

I found this to be very funny! Hope you too think so!